And lo, it came to pass that the words of Braben didst fall upon the ears of the Quakerites, who were smote with the joy and happiness of knowing the Elite, their heathen beliefs broken asunder beneath the clouds of Achenar.
And the holy Braben didst lead his followers out from the heathen city of madness, the one time Quakerites and their siblings the Arenites, the HalfLifers and the unwashed followers of the great Unreal One.
And it came to pass that they came unto a place in the desert, and the Braben spake as thus unto his followers : "Cease thy following, for it doth greatly irritate me. Build thyselves a home amidst these ruins, so that you may build me a shrine and residence for my return." And the Braben turned and left them in their anguish, howls of "To where doth thou bugger off my lord?" echoing in his wake.
And then as the lord Braben didst stare at his assembled host of loyal followers he remarkethed. "Who are thou follower of the molten cheese and wobbly leg?" And the follower known as "Gubbins" to the faithful remarkest a silly comment and did then shout for all to hear "DID YOU KNOWEST I COMEST FROM MARS MINE LORD BRABEN?" And so it came to past that Gubbins was safely the least listend to of the faithful.
As the followers of the now isolated Braben didst sit and discuss on the mystical ether known as the AFE one follower remarked. "I come before thee to tell you all that Braben hadst commisioned me with atask of great holyness. Mine aim is to organise crusades to smite the evil Bugs in thine holy game code. And so it will be reborn!" This prophecy of the Great Gillet was heralded by those around Braben's world. From that point thus the followers of Braben didst wait for The Elite Club and do so still.
For an eternity, the mystical ether known as alt.fan.elite hath been entirely inhabited by male commanders, and yea verily did they believe it to be the order of the universe. But lo! Did not one day the impossible take place? Did not the impossible by divine providence be reduced to merely the highly improbable?
The one called Laura didst appear in the midst of the unsuspecting commanders, begetting great wonder - yea even consternation and disbelief.
Thus spake the one called Laura: "Hello" and further "I hopeth to be accepted into thine exclusive order, and not merely be incinerated by the mighty power of thine plasma-accellerators.".
And behold! The commanders were astonished and bewildered, knowing not what to think, and the one called MattD did express his utter disbelief, suggesting that Laura was an imposter. The Moretom was smitten with ph33r.
In keeping with ye laws of sexism, the one called Edward Thomas did suggest unto Laura that she perform menial tasks, in his ignorance. But Laura was l33t, and lo! she did return ye insult in kind.
The Moretom, having recovered from ph33r, put forth ye deranged proposal that Laura was none other than yon creature known as LouisJM, but Laura didst take no offense, although such heinous accusation would be worthy of at least one full month of sheep-deprivation!
And behold! Laura didst unveil her craft, and lo! it was sleek and speedy. Yet, having traveled the void for untold eons, it was encrusted with interstellar dust and pockmarked with countless micrometeorite impacts.
With unspeakable glee, the commanders donned their utilitarian coveralls, and in a flurry of activity did polish the craft of Laura until it was restored to its former and rightfully resplendent glory!
Laura was deeply moved by this gesture, and did decide upon honouring the countless requests of the commanders for an image of her likeness, bestowing it unto them, and there was much rejoicing.
Thus was Laura accepted into the ranks of the commanders, proving that in an infinite universe even the most improbable event becometh entirely possible, and the land of AFE did become an altogether more fun and hoopy place.
(as unearthed by Commander Laura, Knight of the order of Elite, bringer of l33tn355 and avatar of s1llyn355 when upholding the 8th. commandment)
(Frontier Developments, Cambridge...quiet, peaceful, serene... that is until David Braben turns up for work with all his clothes on backwards...David is approached by one of the Graphic Designers...)
"er, David, there's something we'd like to discuss with you about the shape of the ships in Elite 4..." "SILENCE! You shall not question I, Lord Of The Breadbins!...Now, where did i leave my promotional Infestation boxer shorts..." "but David..." "NO! Now i'm going to my office, and i don't want to be disturbed until 8th Solstice!"
(David Braben proceeds to walk through a door marked 'Stationary Closet' and closes the door behind him)
(Around an hour later, one of the coders goes into the stationary closet to get some paper, and finds david in there, back to him, crouching on the floor)
Mr.Braben...what are you doing in here, I... "AWAY, AWAY FROM MY OFFICE!" "but Sir, I er..." "NO! Keep away from my breadbins, lest I smite thee!"
(The coder turns around and leaves, bewildered by the whole experience. David then proceeds to gorge himself on bread from a golden breadbin...)
"The power shall be mine! ALL MINE! Breadbins, we shall rule the WORLD! WHO IS WITH ME?! All of you?! EXCELLENT!"...
(A while later, everyone is back to work - David hasn't been seen for a while. One of the Frontier Developments staff is wondering around, looking for him...and finally spots him skulking around near one of the coffee machines, looking very suspicious...)
"Ah...Mr.Braben...I'm sorry it's taken so long, but I need you to check over these Elite Club logos for commercial use..." "IT WASN'T ME!! Breadbin don't fail me now!"
(David proceeds to whack the employee around the head with a small pocket sized breadbin, and take off down the corridor, leaving the employee out cold...)
(30 minutes later, everyone is still hard at work... until all the computers in the building has a network failure, and dies simultaeneously. A few of the graphic designers go to investigate what may have caused this, on the ground floor where the network hubs are kept. In front of one of the hubs, David is knelt on the ground, surrounded by screwdrivers some of which are jammed into the wall where the network cabling is, and a small, hand-held breadbin which has been heavily dented lays next to him...)
"I told you I would avenge your untimely demise, my friend! THEY SHALL PAY FOR THEIR CRIMES AGAINST YOU!!"
"YOU!!! I'LL GET YOU ALL!" "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ONE OF MY SUBJECTS!" (he holds up the battered breadbin used to knock out the other employee) "oh, you'll pay for this alright..."
(David runs up the flight of stairs marked with the sign 'To Roof'...The two employees look at eachother, and then run over to one of the receptionists...
"someting terrible has happened...we need help...we need...Ian Bell...")
(Two hours later, the situation has reached critical mass. Unable to get the computers back onto the network in the immediate future, work on Elite 4 has temporarily ceased. Braben is staging a stand-off on the roof with his loyal breadbins. A helicopter appears over the horizon, and lands on the meadow next to the Frontier Developments complex. A figure, clad in a long leather coat, leather trousers and dark sunglasses emerges from the vehicle, and runs towards the building and into reception)
"I'm Ian Bell. No time to talk. Where is he?"
(Ian is pointed to the roof, takes a deep breath, and then hurries up the stairs. He emerges on top of the roof, and is looking at David Braben, who is turned away from him, commanding his breadbin servants...)
"By Kupro Nigella...it's true. You've turned!"
"What? Could it be, Ian...the anti-creator...they sent you...foolish mortals!"
"David, I always knew that you were capable of small-time domestic insanity...but not this...you've become a monster!"
"STOP TALKING, FOOL! ATTACK HIM, MY LOYAL SUBJECTS!"
(David flings two more pocket-sized breadbins at Ian. Ian sees this coming, and in slow motion, leans backwards, almost laying down, the breadbins flying over the top of him, and missing him by barely an inch...Ian quickly stands up again, and backflips in the air, retrieving some kind of gun from inside his jacket)
(Two large globs of Ultra Violet paint spring forth from the gun's barrel, hitting David square in the face, knocking him onto his back)
"NO!!! NEVER!!! Breadbins, attack him!"
(the breadbins sit on the roof, motionless)
"WHAT?! GO, ATTACK, my loyal subjects!"
(the breadbins continue to sit motionless...David cries...)
"no.....defeated by the anti-creator!"
Ian removes his glasses, and heads for the stairs back down to the ground floor, leaving David crying in a pool of UV paint, surrounded by breadbins...At the bottom of Frontier Developments, Ian is greeted by the development team, applauding him.
"My work here is done..."
(Ian runs back towards the helicopter, which, moments after, takes off, and flies into the sunset. As the staff at Frontier Developments breath a sigh of relief, a song starts playing in the background..."I am Elite, a lover, baby you'll discover, life with me could be so sweet...")
(The employee that was hit over the head walks out of the building, looking dazed, wondering what's been going on...)
"Hey, come on guys, we gotta get back to work, or we'll never finish putting those giant insect viruses into Elite 4!"
First we must retake our holy and sacred land of alt.fan.elite. And lo did Archangel Vlad reporteth to the Commanders : tis a barren place full of the evil of the nameless ones we call newbies. But harketh, the Challands, Zat and the keeper of alioth.net are keepeth a corner of the sacred land from darkness. and lo it hath been rumoured that the great high one, ya Braben himself hath been seen walking the land and let it be known that One of us, yea even Arganoid still posteth.
Though the years were kind upon thine third installment THE GAME, a fourth prophecy was indeed hoped for by the prophets. Lo, didst thine games industry strive to tempt, trick, and hold thine prophets of l33t under a web of deceit, using all manner of bountiful distractions to force our glorious fathers from their sacred path of reightiousness of THE GAME. But lo, these Pretenders to the throne of thine lordly divinity didst fail...firstly, came thine Prophecy of Wing Commander, which didst seek to be thine paradigm of space-simulation, showing with great abandon it's 3D hardeware accellerated graphics, and fluid gameplay. But 'lo, did'st thine prophets abandon ye holy quest? Nay! Its linear storylines and repetetive gamplay didst show through its shallow facade, and was uninstalled from many-a-hard-drive across ye land!
Yay, thine industry dids't remaineth in striving to blind ye prophets with'st temptation which could not be ignored...one which claimeth to surpass ye greatness of THE GAME. And lo, Hard-War was ye title...Promised, was thine similar gameplay to THE GAME - open-ended gameplay and non-linear storylines...nay, as others which dids't cometh before, thine second pretender dids't meet its inevitable doom through ye small-gameplay-environment, and most of all, ye non-existant patch, which remaineth to insult many-a-player with continuiing unholy invisibility...
Lo, one more clone dids't show itself, promising to tantilise thine public, which did'st promise to be "Thine Elite Of Ye Nineties!". Insulteth on many a level did this statement make to many-a-prophect, who dids't partake in the playing of it - disgusted were they that this creation of the damned could'st even attempt to holdeth thine candle of equality to THE GAME. Lo, thine 'hallowed' expansion pack, which did promise greater freedom and more ships remaineth to disappoint those on the path to reightiousness.
Along thine path, did the prophets continue unto , searching, nay, begging for a light in the dark, when 'lo, did'st many of them point ye browsers unto http://www.frontier.co.uk/, and lo, ye light was met...readeth did they, that " 'Elite 4' is the next sequel in the famous Elite series, and is now under development. " Oh rapturous day! Thine prophets did re-set unto their path with revived vigour, continuing to follow ye holy way...
And so sayeth Archangel Vlad: The wise ones must keep thy scripturs holy and lo thy must kepth them near THE GAME!
Thus spaketh the wise: "When god speaks, the mortals listen."
And lo Archangel Vlad sayeth unto the wise: Beware of the cohorts of the High Evil One yea verily he that goeth by LouisJM and yea he who communicateth with derek smart. And lo did Archangel Vlad warneth to be on guard against The High Evil ones 81+<|-| that is nameth Nikki
Thus spaketh High Priest Arganoid: Real life women are much better than celebrities.
Tis not ours to reason why. 'Tis but ours to trade and die. - Archangel Impaler
Thus spake Archangel Vlad: For thy transgressions thou must smite thyself with a cardboard cut-and-fold Cobra Mk III and say 100 Hail Bell's and 100 Our Braben's
And lo Archangel Vlad adviseth the wise: Keepeth thy breadbin holy and dothnot desecrate it with rolls.
and lo, spaketh Archangel Lockheed - thine wooden slatted breadbin shalt bethine holiest of all...
Thus spake the god named Bell: To conduct one's life according to the Tao, is to conduct one's life without regrets; to realise that potential within oneself which is of benefit to all.
Thus spake the wise guru JohnJ: "Excessive sanity and Excessive insanity, the Yin and Yang of Elite"
Elite can not exist without it, therefore, do not forsake the insane nor the sane, but accept this simple fact of Elite. The Bellists shall not forsake the Brabenists, and the Brabenists shall not forsake the Bellists, and all shall be Elite.
Elite is the game and thy shalt worship no others unless they haveth Cobra Mk III's
Thou shalt not playeth any game that was hailed as "Elite of the 90's" or any such ilk.
Thou shalt sayeth "Right On Commander" at least once per day.
Thou shalt immluminate the world with |33+/\/355 and smite the |_|/\/|33+
Thou shalt practice thy docking of hand daily.
Thou shalt despise the Energy Bomb, for it be a device of no honour and a weapon of the lame, and Thou shalt not use thy ECM unless thy enemys missiles outnumber thy lasers and thou art pissed.
Thou shalt walketh into thy games store and moaneth about the lacketh of Elite and slaggeth off any member of the lame that looketh at BC3k or Terminus.
Thou shalt keepeth the teachings of the Archangels, yea drinketh much of the alcohol.
Thou shalt despiseth and smite those who profess to have knoledge of the most holy game and knoweth not a thing.
Thou shalt only posseseth an escape capusule becauseth it is part of an iron ass, but thou shalt not use the cowerdly device as it is a tool of the evil that goeth by the name of Newbie.
(As illuminated by Archangel Vlad, Knight Commander,The Knights Of The Order Of Elite)
And veriliy did Archangel Vlad sayeth unto the wise: Wherever The Knights Of The Order Of Elite go, |33+/\/355 must follow.
It was on one sunny Morninge in the Earthen month of Octobere whan our Lord Davide Braben arose him brighte and early from his slumb'rous state, and to the front door of his Cambridgeshire farmhous' proceeded, for verily hath he awaited the arrival of a new Telescop. He hath found on his Doorsteppe a well-sizéd Bocs of suspicious garbe. Inscribed on this Bocs were the following great wordes, which our l33te scholares do repeat unto the skies to this daye:
La Soeur Du Dan Ham,
Riedquat, nr Lave.
Much disappoint had the Braben, and rightly so, for many such a parcel had in previous months borne nothing of his interest. His spirit was tho' to be lifted, as did the package prove to hold a great Antique Breadbinne, of some particularly fine craftsmanshippe! "Loo!" said Braben, "such cheer is brought this way today!" And verily proceeded he this breadbinne in his Grande Kitchene to installe.
An other longe daye of l33t c0d1ng 0wnag3 at its ende, Braben rightly and deservédly did for the nighte retire, and only then did the vile plote itself unveil. For skarly from the Breadbinne did spring a large kat, and lo, was this no ordinary kat! For as is known by the more konsienscous scholares, is this kat indeed a minione of Lord Bell Himself, come to wreake great Havocke upon the House of Braben. But this kat hath counted not upon the great Wisdome of our Lord Braben, who with a large Troute in one hand in the doorwaye stood, and lo, did he this kat slappe around a bit with it! Swiftly did the kat fly hame to its Lord Master, and most soundly made Lord Braben the nighte to sleep, that he might live to c0de an other daye.
Thus doth conclude the Parable of the Trojan Breadbinne, and may all the worthy Commanderes who followe the Ordere of Elite abide by its teachinges - viz. the followinge Wisdome: Never to look a gift Breadbinne in the Mouth!
--by the Ordere of Elite Scholare Cmdr. Paul Roberts (Deadly)
"If thee cannot fight like Thy Young One, Alex Ryder. If thee must use thy ECM to defeat thy Enemy's missile. Then thee do not deserve to be part of thy Order, but if thee shoot down thy Enemy's missile you deserve thy Order and all it brings. Follow Commandment 6 of the Knights: Thou shalt not use thy ECM unless thy enemys missiles outnumber thy lasers and thou art pissed."
Thee must save thine hunger for battle and thine lust for blood for the space of Riedquat, or the Police of the Uncorrupted, or the forces of thy enemies. Thee must not waste thy lust in hoopy casinos on Lave, for there your Elite rating does not advance.
I await the day when it shall once rise again, the day of Elite IV. The Giants of the past shall once rise again, to guide the children of the new generation into the new and bold world.
And so sayeth archangel Lockheed, thine rivers shalt run with lordly crimsonous fury, and upon thine tides of angst and fury shalt ride those deemed 'l33t' by thine gracious lord Braben..
and lo, those who shalt inhabit #alt.fan.elite in thine day of judgement, thine day of reckoning shall be reveered, and shall ride, ride with heads held high through thine land of promise and virtue!
Lo, divinity shall prevail in those of the 'l33t', and those who ph33r the divine shall be smited with thine furious flurries of large trouts. Let thine law sayeth, and shower from the heavens, thine divine scriptures...
and hark, those who procalim their Rating Of The Elite to be of thine numerical fashion...let thine trout rain down as of the skies lightning...
The newbies shall see us descend on them as like a wave of blood, and lo shall they shy away from us in ph33r saying "Forgive us, we knowth not that we tresspass on thy greatness and show us the true way to become one with the sacred Order of Elite" and lo the Gods shall laugh at them
And so sayeth Archangel Vlad: And lo when the newbies desendeth crying "lo, we needeth cheats!" the Gods shall looketh down on the unworthy and verily the Gods shall smite them!
And on the day that was to be Thy Holyest Day, the day when Thy Lord Braben was to return with His New Creation, His New Universe. Thy Dark Lord, Thy Fallen One, Dark Bell returned from The Glowing Shadows.
And following behind Thy Fallen One was The Beast, The Beast called Kupro Nigella, and around its neck, The Beast wore an chain of pure silver, and on this chain was Thy Fallen One's New Creation, His New Universe.
And so, Thy Brabenists and Thy Bellites, were at war again. They were once at peace, in the belief that Thine Holy Braben had vanquished Thy Dark One for all eternity. This Holy War, a war whose victor would have His Universe accepted as The Fourth Universe, went on for a millennia.
Until, one day, Thy Universe, a Fourth Universe created by the War being fought for it, met a New Evil. An Evil called Microsoft, but this Evil was not a Pure as the Evil Being in control, the Being of Pure Evil, Bill. And thine Evil One Bill brought with him His Universe, one full of Evil and False Promises and False Prophets, to try and lure thine Commanders of Braben and thine Commanders of Bell into it.
Thusly, Thy Lord Braben and Thy Fallen One Bell, come together in Unity and forge a New Universe together, one with a Force of Pure Good, like thine First Universe.
And with Thy Fifth Universe of Unity as their power, Thy Ascended One Bell and Thy Mighty One Braben, Thy High Lords, vanquished Thy Being of Pure Evil Bill, his Evil Empire of Microsoft and His Universe full of Evil and False Promises and False Prophets for all of eternity.
And so Thy Fifth Universe lived in Peace, Harmony and Unity until the day Thy Sixth Universe was to be created...
There shall also come a time when one who has the heart of Elite, but is a mere pretender, taketh the throne from Elite. With a deafening thunder shall the Dark Age begin...